Saturday, November 5, 2011

I have been psychological you too!!!!!

These are a few QQ messages from Lisa that I wanted to post the other night. Just to save here. Just to have. My grandmother saved a lot of different letters from my grandfather when he was courting her and then when she would go away back to Ireland to visit friends and family or to Lourdes and on different trips and he was back at home with the three kids ( My Uncle Stuart and Aunt Mary and my father). I love old letters... I actually still have some "locker notes" that my childhood BFF's Joy and Lisa used to leave in between classes in my high school locker... and it's nice ( though sometimes, yes, a little painful and bittersweet) in the future to look back to see where you were... and where you are. 

QQ Message 10/20/11

I'm sorry, these time no contact you · · · · I these days are busy interview, are there more to guangzhou run, because there's a market, the company is much also, so the opportunity is relatively more, but a wonder every company after the interview to wait for second-round exam again, and will need to a few days time, so a little long, I now is full of things work, ha ha... But if we can find a job after stability, I think everything will be okay, although sometimes very negative, but I won't give up, thank you for your blessings!

Yesterday you why leave? Is the body uncomfortable? Still feel very tired so want to rest? I'm glad you like cantonese, and work hard to study it... Perhaps we could soon in cantonese simple communication? Ha ha.. I hope so.. As for English.. I think in my job stabilized, I'll go to English education institutions of learning in class..... I think in the near the ideal and life is to hope to be able to travel abroad.. And my passport had handled well..

So, this message made me happy. She sent it after we went out to dinner at "Modern Toilet" ( truly a surreal experience .... I felt like I was in an episode of "South Park" and that the "Christmas Poo" was going to pop out at any second... but contrary to what you might think, the food was pretty good there.) Seeing that her "ideal" future included structured "English classes" and "traveling abroad" made me very happy. excited. hopeful. -- It's crazy but for the first few times after we hung out - even while she was working at my school -- the day after hanging out (EVEN if I would see her at work) I would go through this type of withdrawal .... I would MISS her... deeply and a part of me feared that it would never be like that again... and I would get jealous all over again - of EVERYONE who could speak Mandarin/Cantonese better than me (which is about 99.5% of people in China at this point) ... and I would wonder who she was talking to on QQ ... because we had such a wonderful night ... and I wanted (want) more of that... and wanted to make sure that she did ( and does) too. When these feelings hit me I would try to just be grateful and appreciate the moment, the day .... but then HERE when she talks about LEARNING ENGLISH in a structured setting and BREAKING the communication barrier between us AND wanting to "TRAVEL ABROAD" it brought back that.... longing, that yearning... that hope....that things could and would be different.... and I became impatient and missed her deeply all over again. 

QQ Message 10/27/11

Lisa Li2011-10-27 00:16:06
Forgive me this time for your indifference, I the time is busy looking for a job thing, every day is guangzhou and foshan two places to visit, people tired heart also tired, I don't want to get my these negative emotions or not happy one side giving you, so I think a man silently bear it all, until I get a satisfied new work, I will be the first to leave a message to tell you!
Lisa Li2011-10-27 00:16:17
Please believe, not contact with or without any message doesn't mean that I am so that you forget, the more without the influence our friendship, actually, I have been psychological you!!!!!
Lisa Li2011-10-27 00:16:38
The last time not with you together movie because I went to the guangzhou interview back very late time, temporary change time but don't want to hold up your arrangement, so let you go and play. It will have a lot of such opportunities, rest assured! The weekend if no special circumstances I'll tell Helen ahead, look at whether we can have dinner together.
Lisa Li2011-10-27 00:16:51
As for last time KTV didn't invite your reasons, first because you still is on the late shift, the place is not easy to find more troublesome, another of my friends do not speak English, if you come over, they will feel unable to take care of you and feel very sorry...... In addition the KTV is my friend's friend, everybody is not very familiar with, so... But if the next time you have the right opportunity, I will invite you?

Sooooo.... this message above was sent as a reply to my "snarky sarcastic" (aka "I'm Missing You And PMS-ing") email where I questioned whether or not she truly wanted me in her life and told her that "In English, we have a saying: Actions Speak Louder Than Words". (not my finest hour. Or ....more accurately, not my finest 5 minutes for sure.). I knewwwww that she had been running around looking for jobs and that she was not having much success... and she was ( always is) working/trying SO hard. I knew that she was tired. The only thing that I didn't know was about the KTV night - until I went out with our mutual friend Helen alone one night - to dinner and a movie - when Lisa was in Guangzhou- that I found out about it. And, in hindsight ( and in reality) ... she's absolutely right. There was no way that I would have been able to make it to KTV that night. That workday was ( is always) a crazy one. I would have made it for maybe the last hour of the KTV ... I would have had to take a cab, alone. My phone was not working at this point ... so... it would not have made sense. I was definitely just overreacting out of jealousy here.  

--- but it's nice to see that I'm not alone in this crazy "withdrawal" as a result of  "the more without the influence of our friendship..." judging from her message, we have both been a little "psychological" (!!!!!) without the other.

QQ Message  11/3/11

Very happy to hear you speak cantonese, I believe that as long as you are willing to and study hard, and not what is not able to do it! I believe I also. I will learn English it, or I will be the social eliminated, ha ha.. And I'm glad to last Saturday and you can dine, made me feel a little love is, you don't like to eat fish head, but it's ok, next time you have time to hang out, we then find another good thing, can have, please believe that!!!!!

Lisa Li2011-11-03 23:14:22
This is two days or busy for a new job, for several days in the bus and subway of wandering around, it is a little tired, but I won't give up easily, so please don't worry about me, add a little small cold, but nothing serious also asks you to take care of yourself, health is very important. Free can leave a message

            Then Lisa sent me this message yesterday. Almost a week since we went out for dinner ( and yes, I ate fish heads for the first time). I have been practicing some cantonese from a free podcast that I've downloaded on my computer - and I shared some with her at ( and after)  the dinner ( for example- Doh Jeh, Gum Yet Hoe Hoi Sum = "Thank you, I had a good time.").

          ..... she's very even though I said that the fish heads were "Hao Chu" - tasty, delicious, while eating them ( aka "swallowing bits whole without chewing much"), I think she knew that I was being a good sport for the most part and that I just wanted an excuse to see her. I sent her a reply email to this and told her that I DO love seafood and that we should go out for sushi here ... I love sushi! ( no bones, no eyes).

        btw-  I felt a "little love is" that night too. When I spotted her waiting for me in KFC, I rushed up to her and hugged her and said "I've missed you" -- and everything that was frustration and jealousy immediately turned back into it's original form - which has always been LOVE. She grasped my hand and we walked arm in arm to the restaurant ( with our friend Helen walking beside us) and in that moment I didn't feel like I was grasping for dear life... or holding on to something that would slip away. Something felt more firm, more concrete. It felt as if it was 2 yrs from now and as if we could be on any street talking and walking together.

I wonder too at her joke, her comment ... about being the "social outcast" or " the socially eliminated" if she doesn't learn English. She speaks EVERY language - Cantonese, Mandarin, and her local hometown dialect - that her friends in her "social circle" speak here. None of her friends here really speak English. So I have to wonder, is she thinking about.... somewhere else? Thinking about sometime in the future when we move back to New York and she meets my friends and finds herself  immersed in that 99.9% English speaking "social circle"? .... I can't even... go there right now. I've gotta pull it back and stay in the "no day but today" mode. Let's get her a job and enrolled in some English classes -- and then she can tell me  her "heart feelings" as she has (typed) that she wants to tell me .... in words. (because I know she doesn't trust the safety/privacy of the internet)

ALSO - just a random fact about her. Lisa is the THIRD of four children. Where most families in China only have one to two children -- Lisa's family is truly.... different. ( secretly a bunch of rebels I bet!) She has an older brother, an older sister, and a younger brother. So .... leaving the country to live in the USA... her family would still have 3 other kids to rely on ( and eventually live with). I'm just sayin'...

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