Thursday, December 29, 2011

Love Is A Battlefield (that is littered with cliches)

Dudes, it's tough.

*(WARNING- this entry is a MESS. Just emotions all over the place. Probably a ton of misspelled words. Is this even English? .... it's a land mine of delicate feelings....so just know that walking in. OK?)*

This is my third night of insomnia. Luckily I am off this week, so there is no sleep schedule. This entry is not THE entry that I want to write - it is not THE recap of Christmas Eve ... but it's related. .. and I will get to that one. Maybe tomorrow.

But right now I am just so .... teary and emotionally tired and frustrated and scared. ( and maybe a little hormonal - even though "my friend" is over and done and left me yesterday)

I am willing to fight for who I love, but there's a part of me that knows that it should never have to be that hard. Never too hard. It makes me wonder .... how much do I want this? How far can this go?... and thinking that makes me sad because I want it to go ALL THE WAY.

I'm feeling a little deja-vu here, like maybe I wrote this entry before? .... or maybe I knew that I would be writing this entry ( at 1:56AM on a morning in late December)

IT'S TOUGH BECAUSE OF ...


1.) The need to have a 3rd person with us at all times. ( I sometimes get jealous of the third person -how easily she can communicate with me in English and LL in Chinese -especially Helen. Helen likes to travel and is fun and is a lot like LL and I and so sometimes I get jealous of her. --even though she has a boyfriend that she lives with here in Foshan. )


2.) The need to translate our text messages ( and yes, it's great to have an app on my phone that does that pretty well... but still, sometimes the messages come out a little... funny looking and confused) and sometimes getting lost in translation. 


3.) The feeling that we never have enough time. Every time I leave her, it never feels like we have spent enough time together. The hours fly by and I go through this CRAZY withdrawal. I've never felt this way before. It's not like typically after spending a night with someone who you love you feel butterflies and giddy and warm. I feel that way when we're together ..... but the next day ( or DAYS apparently now) ... is hell. 

Maybe it's also my mind .... knowing that April is coming... that I will be leaving China and yes of course I want to go home and see my family and friends. I also want to come back to Asia to teach next year ... but I know that I am not coming here.... not coming to Foshan ... or Guangzhou .... and so.... that just means more distance.... more work ....

I will definitely be taking structured weekly classroom type Mandarin classes - whether I am in Shanghai or Taipei next year.... so that when we DO get together we can talk more freely.

But I'm not gonna lie, Christmas Eve was hard. I kind of got in a little "fight" with LL too on Christmas Day.  A "translated text message fight" --- and yes that does sound silly right now and just reading it is making me smile. I was the only one who was really "fighting" though. I even called her, knowing that I don't speak THAT much Chinese, but confident that I could speak enough to get my message across
(but she didn't pick up because she "cannot speak English and so it would be no use" - according to her text message) Seriously, if you SAW me .... I would want you to smack me upside the head.... cause I was SO GONE. It was so silly now.... looking back. It's easy to get confused and get jealous when the lines are not drawn clearly and when there is a language barrier.

So.... originally we had talked about spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together in Guangzhou ( where LL lives and works - about an hour subway ride from Foshan). BUT then Helen ( our mutual friend) realized that her boyfriend wanted to spend Christmas Day with her and so she would not be free.... to hang out with us. (aka to be the "third wheel" - that we need).

I will write an entry about Christmas Eve, but let's FF to Christmas Day for now. On CD morning I text Lisa to ask her if she wants to come in to Foshan to see the movie and have dinner with Metis, Bella, and I. Lisa tells me that she is in Shenzhen with her sister at their relatives new house. on Christmas Eve, she had not decided what her plans would be for the following day.... she was pretty sure that she would be going to Shenzhen though. Then I call Helen to see what she's doing and she tells me that she is in Guangzhou (where Lisa lives) for the day with her boyfriend.

Long story short- I got confused and angry because I thought that LL and Helen were spending the day together in Guangzhou and had not invited me. I know that Helen really doesn't like Guangzhou too much and so I was surprised that she went back the next day. But apparently her boyfriend had not been into the city in awhile and wanted to go. They used to live there.  LL HAD previously mentioned that she might be going to Shenzhen with her sister, I had just forgotten. LL was hurt that I would assume that and told me that if Helen was free she would have been fine with us all hanging out.... but since that couldn't work - our three separate alternative plans seemed like a good solution. She told me that she "hates to be deceptive and to lie" and "urged me not to be confused"...

LL texted me the night of Christmas Eve to make sure that I got home OK and to thank me and told me she had such a  great time ... very happy, etc.  She has told me in the past that she does not like communicating over text and QQ and wished that she could tell me her "heart feelings" -- but you know... I think it's time that I learn how to TELL her mine ( in Chinese).

I know that she only has one day off per week typically and that she works late hours. I know that she works hard. She's hard working and sincere and caring and that's a good part of why I love her. In addition to being funny, cute, etc... I wish it was easier ... believe me I do. I didn't plan on falling for someone who does not speak my language. I didn't plan on ... all of this. She is the ONLY one who I have feelings for like this here. I have co-workers and other friends who speak more English than she does.... but my feelings for them are NOT the same at all. I just hate blurry lines and confusion. Maybe this is all a lesson that I have to learn in this life? Chalk it up to the wheel of karma coming back around? This attempt at a relationship is ... teaching me to take the initiative and to talk (text) about my feelings and to truly go after what I want and not just settle for what is handed to me. If anything -- this time with LL is teaching me that. This .... "second time" around.

Honestly right now, I feel better just having gotten this out. If anyone stayed with me and read this all the way through, you're a champ. ( and I AM FINE... really.)

LL and I are making plans to get together again in early January ( thought it was going to be the 1st but might be the 9th now..) with Quinny - an old co-worker who used to work in Marketing at BL too. Between now and then I will try to learn enough Chinese ... to talk to her more about love and my own feelings.

Here's something cute that happened, a "long time ago" now that I never wrote about before, but I will share it now.


Back when she used to work at my school, maybe in August, she and I were sitting in the little library surrounded by kids books and I was "teaching" her a little English. I was holding this little Disney "shapes" book and holding her hand, using her finger to trace the shapes and say the name of the shape in English. We went over "rectangle" and "triangle" and "square" .... and when we got to "heart" and I was tracing the "heart" with her finger ... she looked up and pointed at both me and her and said " you and me" ... and I looked at her and smiled and said "yes". It was very simple and sweet. Our hearts. Our love. Us. 

I want it to be simple and sweet again. I miss her in my "everyday".

Is this entry a mess? I just want to post it and release it. I look forward to 4 years from now when I am fluent enough in Mandarin to chop off our third wheel and to laugh at this and when she and I are back in the USA living our "happy everyday" without a worry about tomorrow.

"More and more time without the influence of our friendship.... I am quite psychological you!!!!" 
- LL in a recent previous text.

I am SO there right now. I am definitely psychological you.

*Prayers for both of us - would be extremely welcomed right now.*

2 comments:

  1. I wish there was a way to instantly give you and LL full fluency in the other's language. Ugh! These complicated friendships are hard enough *without* a language barrier. I hope and pray it gets better for you!! Happy new year!!

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  2. Happy New Year to you too!! Yeah, I'm really not looking for a complicated friendship. I hate those kind of things.... I had one when I was 14-15 just kind of coming into myself and figuring out who I liked and that was hard enough. To me, if it doesn't become something more and just lingers in that "unofficial girl" status, it's always painful.

    With her I feel like there is real potential, it's just a matter of getting the words out ... and just coming out in general. I know that this ( if it happens) is a long road. Thanks for your hope! Thanks for your prayers!

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