Thursday, December 29, 2011

Take 2. Lights .... Camera....

soooo.... last night was kinda rough.

I think I'm just at that point where I'm realizing a few things all at once and it's causing a major traffic jam across the intersecting roadways of my heart and mind.

1. I like her more than I ever realized.
2. I want and need clearer and more firm and regular communication than I have in the past.
3. I might not be able to change things as quickly or as easily as I want to (this one's a hard one to swallow)

They talk about "reverse culture shock" when someone moves back to their home country after living abroad. I NEVER thought that would be possible when I first came here. I was frustrated with everything - trying to figure out how to do my banking and pick up packages and get around and my visa issues, etc. etc. I didn't think that I could ever fall into a routine or " get used" to anything here. But I think I have .... and I think there might be some "reverse culture shock" coming home to New York. Spending some time in Chinatown, eating some congee while listening to some Cantonese conversation around me might help ease the transition.

I have actually, kind of experienced it before. Coming home from my high school graduation trip that I took with Aunt Joan. We went on a 10 day tour of Ireland/England/Scotland & Wales. We had a great tour group and just a wonderful time and I fell in love with Ireland ..... and coming home I found myself needing to listen to Irish music and spending lots of time in my room practicing playing some traditional Irish folk songs on the "Tin Whistle" that I bought while I was over there. It took a few days to .... "bring myself back" - and that was only a 10 day tour.  So, I'm bracing myself for April. ( but then coming back to this side of the world in June... for my 2nd year maybe the reverse culture shock won't be that hard? I don't know. )

I LOVE my family and friends. BELIEVE ME. I am so happy to live in the Facebook/Skype/Online Blogging age where I can see your pictures and send you messages in an instant. I cannot wait to see you and laugh and catch up and to be able to communicate SO EASILY. I also really miss using sarcasm and jargon. I look forward to those times. So please don't take it personally if it takes a minute to "bring me back" - my mind might wander a bit for the first few days at home.

I am a New Yorker through and through. I am an American. But ... I cannot live in another country simply as "a tourist" or as a "photographer". I didn't want my heart to get caught up in something here, but I also know that it's not easy to be so objective when someone touches your heart and pulls you into the picture.

I am just going to step back, take a breath, and "start over" as my mom would say. Start this day over and gather the tools that I need ( learn some more Mandarin phrases) so that the next time I talk with LL I can tell her how I'm feeling, what I am scared of,  etc.

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