Thursday, May 31, 2012

Don't tell me "How" or "What". Just tell me "Why?"

Talking in my last post about women and growing up struggling to "find my place" in the LGBT community- back when I felt like it was so.... polarized and I couldn't find a home at either end.

During that time I also found myself attracted to .... potential... to experiments. I was SO sure that "this girl" could be because she was a "tomboy" and like LL Bean and ... then it turns out that she's just a tomboy who likes LL Bean. Or the cute femme who teases about "going to the other side" only to be wrapped in the arms of her ex-boyfriend two weeks later. Those kind of crushes were NOT healthy. Thankfully, in a way, this kind of "confusion" was always found "on the street" ( "I want to meet a girl in REAL LIFE") , never in a lesbian bar or from a lesbian personal ad. So it's not as if I was being completely blindsided ... I was just being blind.

It used to be straight girls, but it's evolved into girls who like girls but who don't speak my ( literal) language. So in the grand scheme of things I think that's a step into the right-er direction.....?

I feel like it "runs in the family" though - my Dad's first cousin's husband is German and he didn't speak ANY English when he met her.... but he learned it and they fell in love and got married, he moved to the USA, he got a good job working for Mercedes in California they had kids, grandkids, etc.... so "the challenge" is in my genes. 

The women that I've dated in the past have been from either a college LGBT group or an online lesbian singles profile, etc. But at this point in life I feel like "meeting in a bar" is more likely, easier, given the fact that I've got a good group of lesbian friends in NYC ... and just going out and being social with friends in these places can lead to meeting people without really "looking for it". More of those "when you least expect it" moments. 

I go the distance for love. (even for straight girl crushes - yes, poetry and flowers have been given in the past from me to unrequited love. even soap. I made soap for straight love once. ) I will learn your language. I will work to make things work. I will "keep in touch". 

But you've gotta meet me halfway..... and a promise is a promise. 

I feel like Lisa is not meeting me halfway. I'm not sure what's going on, but at this point it feels like more than just "being busy" with work. I send her QQ messages and she doesn't reply to me. Then I find out ( because I see that- using her "other QQ number-  she has viewed our friend Helen's photo album - I see Lisa's picture under a different QQ name/number in the "recently viewed by" list) that she has a second QQ account .... that she hasn't told me about and she ONLY tells me about it AFTER I confront her. She even commented on Helen's picture while using this new account. If she really wanted to tell me she wouldn't have waited for me to "find out". She would have added me as a friend to this other account. So, I mean, it's not as if she hasn't been online. She's had time online..... she's just chosen not to send me pictures or reply to my message. 

My QQ page is open for everyone to see ( partially because I can't translate enough Chinese to figure out how to make it a private account or "friends only", but I've got nothing to hide anyway). But Lisa has hers locked. I've asked her to add me to be able to "view her page" several times but she insists that she doesn't post photos or anything for anyone to see. Meanwhile, I find that hard to believe because I know that she enjoys taking photos and looking at other people's photos .... AND being the awesome detective that I am - I FOUND THIS ---->  http://profile.pengyou.com/index.php?mod=profile&u=c265e4bd629300c5270853c0100fa098020e9d9cdcc46b2b 

If I can't speak or write your language and I STILL find you. That's a pretty good detective right there. ( and/or a very fed up, angry, determined, lesbian).

It's an OLD profile. She hasn't updated it... but still it shows that she does like to post status updates and some pictures and... that she IS into social network life/stuff. If she has a page here, I'm willing to bet that she keeps a QQ page ... with updates and pictures .... 

and if she's not letting me into this world, then I have to ask myself - what is my place in her world? It would seem to me that I'm intentionally being left out of it. 

We had a fight on my birthday .... ( a QQ online chat/text fight... God those are even more frustrating when you've got a 30 second delay between you- given that you're going between your argument and GOOGLE TRANSLATE to get your point across and to understand hers!) I was home - just kind of getting settled into Taipei here .... a bottle of wine and some tv. Very relaxed night .... but then I found her account and confronted her and she couldn't understand why I was angry .... and she did the whole "It's late I'm going to bed! Goodnight!" thing where she pretended to go offline ( went invisible on QQ) and I called her out on running away and hiding from the conversation and she came back for a few minutes and .... the conversation went nowhere... etc. etc.... 

She hates when I ask "Why"? But I think "Why?" is an important question. Maybe THE most important question. I don't really care about "How?" and "Why?" tells me even more than "What?" ever could. I can figure out the what... I don't care about the how or the when .... but why fills in a LOT of blanks ... it's a helpful question. Why are you doing that? Why did you say that? ... gives you insight into a persons reasoning behind WHAT they did. 

There are 7 years between us. So she's "young". She's 24. When I was 24 .... I was just starting out in the work world, had credit card debt, was still trying to find my way, etc. So a part of me sympathizes with her and understands feeling pressure to be a "grown-up" when ... you're kind of still growing up. I just don't understand the secrecy. People from the Guangdong Province ( where Lisa is from, and where I was living last year) are actually, stereotypically, the most secretive in China... so I walked into a land mine with this one. I should have known not to expect "straight answers". 

I've been ... all the emotions regarding this. At this point I'm just taking a breather from contacting her on QQ. The last message I left her was about two nights ago telling her that I found her old account, showing that she does like to post status updates, etc. ( the link that I posted above here) but I have not heard back from her since. The last "good" messaging we had was around April 20th .... talking about taking English classes this year and me helping her to come to the USA. It was hopeful .... and then a month later here... things have just gotten so... tangled and have really run off course. 

I know that I want to continue to learn to speak Chinese here, regardless of communicating with her. I wish that she was a reason for it ....  

She tried, to add me to her second account on QQ ( AFTER I called her out on it) but it didn't connect... it didn't work. I don't know what happened. I just want her to understand/empathize with WHY I was feeling what I was feeling .... I still don't know if she does. 

Is this "it"?... I don't know. I just need to take a breather from her for now. From asking any more questions. A month. I'll let a month slide ... and see if she contacts me. 

"Let's go down to the water's edge where we can cast away those doubts .... some things are better left unsaid but they still turn me inside out .... tell me ... whyyyyyyyyyyy?" - Annie Lennox









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