Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Part of Your World

Well, it turns out that I didn't have to wait a month. She sent me a reply message. But she kinda twisted it a bit.

She made it sound like I am upset because she does not reply to me/send me messages often on QQ. That is not really the issue. I understand if/that she's busy..... I'm busy too. Especially this year - coming home after teaching 2 or 3 classes back to back.... I'm exhausted. Yes, I've got two days off per week ( she only has one)- but still, they're separated- Wednesdays and Sundays. I don't expect her to send me messages every day or even once per week.

It was never really about that. I was upset because she has another QQ account that she never told me about. She told our friend Helen about it ..... but she never told me. THAT's why I was/am upset. I'm jealous. I feel left out. This is not about me "wanting all of her time and attention". It's just about wanting to be given access to her world..... like any other "friend".

I just sent her a message last night telling her this. I hate that I had to "find out" about her other profile. Why couldn't she tell me .... at the same time that she told Helen? ( and yes, I'm asking WHY questions.... because they're the only ones that fit.) Why did she have to hastily try to add me, AFTER I found her?

I told her that I was jealous. That's what this is. I'm jealous. I want what our other "friends" have with her.  That's all .... nothing more.

Then I had a dream last night. A very similar situation - a "three is a crowd type" situation. It was me and my two childhood best friends. We were all crying and upset - all jealous of our three-way interconnecting relationships. "Why are you crying?" I love you.... we're friends". "Everything is OK."- I said to my blond BFF who ( I've always called by her middle name "Joy") I've rarely seen cry in real life. But here it was "Joy" was crying tears of frustration and sadness.

(Maybe everything IS OK and there is no reason to cry or dwell on this.... )

From Lisa's side .... I could see how she could need some space. I'M the one who LEFT to go to Taiwan. Even when she suggested staying/teaching in Guangzhou.... I'm the one who oh-so-breezily/casually said "I don't want to".....I want a bigger city (PS: Guangzhou is pretty big) How do I think that made her feel? Can I really keep MY promises? What pictures are hiding in MY phone? (The answers in order are: pretty sad I bet, even though she doesn't show it easily, Yes I can, and There is nothing there to hide. )

Of course she wants to be happy .... she doesn't want to dwell on me being so far away.... it would be like me having a gf back in New York while I'm here. Even though Guangzhou is only about a 4 hr plane ride .... that's a trip. That takes.... a lot more than what we have right now. I didn't want to get into a relationship before coming to China because I knew it would't "be fair" for my gf back home. Now, here I am in Taiwan ( "not China") .... trying to keep my head above water and maintain a "realtionship" with someone who feels very far away.

I'm willing to accept whatever the truth is at this point. I told her that I want to share her happiness.... whether it's a new "love" or travel or whatever. I want to celebrate what is going on in her world.

I think it's just that we both don't trust each other.  Everything IS OK ..... but we don't believe it. We're blinded by our fear and frustration. That's what that dream last night was about.

Even though I'm frustrated by her lack of communication..... there's still a part of me that hopes to go to KTV and sing with her again. To sing "Meiyou Ruguo" ( "No If") and feel .... everything again.

I feel like.... I will be the one learning more Chinese before she learns English. It's.... just the way it is. I am here and I am getting a Chinese tutor. It just makes sense.... it's the most logical way. So, the next time we meet we can sing.... and also I can hopefully talk to her about... life and stuff more. In this way I'm GLAD to be in Taiwan - because in Foshan I didn't have access to any Chinese classes/anyone who could be my tutor. I probably could have found classes in Guangzhou.... but to be  honest, I didn't want to stay there. I WANTED to come to Taiwan. So- it is what it is.

I'm willing to accept if things have changed in her life. Maybe she's frustrated because SHE can't access my Facebook account? ( because FB is blocked in China -- and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to pay for a VPN account just to stalk/watch my page/be friends with me ..... though I could see myself doing something like that. LOL.) But I've got nothing to hide ..... again, it all comes back to trust.

I'm happy/excited to be learning more Chinese. I don't want to dwell on missing her .... but at the same time there is no one else right now. I'm trying to figure out what she's feeling .... because it's always more than words. I find that words/feelings/thoughts contradict each other here..... part of the "saving face" thing.

I just .... want to be in her world, whatever the landscape looks like. I just want to be there.  

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