Saturday, July 7, 2012

Insomnia.

I have insomnia. Chronic insomnia. If it's been going on for 2 months regularly.... I don't know what else to call it. It's not "jet lag".

It's a pattern that just doesn't want to break. Although, maybe having late night cups of coffee are finally starting to have some effect. There was a time when I'd still be yawning after a few gulps of caffeine.

Maybe my body is changing. Maybe I don't have the same tolerance?

I don't want to take any sleeping pills .... but I need to change something.

I am often still sitting up awake when the birds start chirping in the morning- like they are doing now. One morning a few weeks ago I remember going to sleep around 4am. At some point I woke up "BLINDED" by this LIGHT outside of my apartment .... "UGHHHH!". My washing machine is out on the little porch around the corner from my apartment. There IS a light out there that you can switch on and off if you are doing wash late. I didn't think that someone was crazy enough out there doing their wash at 4 in the morning.... but I wondered why they didn't turn off the light. I crept to my window and opened/pulled up my shade slowly to see ....

The sun. It was Mother Nature. It was NATURAL light. There was no way for me to "turn it off". I smiled and laughed to myself at the ridiculousness of it .... this whole crazy cycle that brought me to the point of questioning and almost cursing the sunshine.

I am on a different teaching schedule this year - I still have two days off per week - but they are Wednesdays and Sundays. I thought at the beginning that it was my body getting used to a non-consecutive "weekend"... but it's not as if I am waking up early on Thursdays or even Mondays. It's not as if I have to wake up early. I don't have to be at work until 2-3pm most weekdays- staying til about 9pm when my last class is over. I would think that being "busier" would make me more tired- wanting to crash in bed when I came home. I DO want to crash .... but it's usually just on the couch, wide awake.

I went to work early today, "my early day" is Saturday- then came home tonight around 8pm - after some yummy dumplings and noodles dinner at my favorite little restaurant in Ximending called "Wonton Vegetable" - literally the English translation of the name on the menu looks something like that. I went on the computer til around 8:45 and crashed it bed at 9pm...

and here I am at 3:28 am, wide awake again.

Also, it's not any worry or stress or anxious thoughts or heart palpitations keeping me awake these nights. I don't feel any of that physically/consciously anyway. The only frustration that I've had *knock on wood* was with Lisa. Maybe it's something related to that ... but not consciously.

As far as "that", I've decided to kind of take a breather with that. I'm not gonna play the "crazy lady" and go off on her online. I'm NOT going to post- even though there WERE times when I was tempted- a QQ status update on my - public- so anyone in China or anywhere could see it- profile with something like "Very sad.... I just heard that Lisa Li has resorted to prostituting at the Dalangtaosha Hotel in Guangzhou. From car sales to the 'sales and marketing'  position of a whore, a concubine. No one should hire her."

But I mean after reading a status update that translated to - "Dalangtaosha. Casual. One Night" what else would you think? - after, additionally, Googling "Dalangtaosha" of course.

Quinny has not gotten back to me about "why" Lisa never gave me her new QQ number. But Quinny is very "young and innocent" .... like, I feel like even when we were working at Best Learning, Lisa knew that Quinny was a very naive, sensitive girl/woman. Despite being 23-24, you know... just young... concerned with "work-life" but still stuck in the dreamworld of a 13 yr old girl.... I'm not sure how to explain it. But I feel like there are things that - well I know there are things that Lisa kept Quinny sheltered from.

So I'm not surprised that she didn't give Quinny her new QQ number .... but I am surprised that she didn't give it to me. I told Quinny that I'm tired of sending messages to Lisa, telling her that I miss her. She knows that I miss her. If she misses me, she can send me a message.

I feel like right now, as cliche as it sounds, we need space. I wouldn't be surprised if she found someone to have sex with, to connect with on that level. I wouldn't hold it against her .... I just want HONESTY. I can handle and understand the truth, the "not telling me" .... is worse. Maybe she thinks that I had "ulterior motives" for coming to Taipei. But I don''t, I didn't. There wasn't anyone "waiting here" for me.

I feel like we don't trust each other, and at this point, we don't share enough language to have a private conversation about it.  So - we need time to ourselves. Time away from the "why?" internet conversations.

At the same time.... when one door closes/ is only left open a crack and things look dark .... new fresh air comes through....I'm finding friends here in Taipei. My old Teaching Assistant, Ann and I have become good friends. She lives in Taipei. We are exactly the same age- though her birthday is April 12th. She speaks English very well, she went to university in London and she's travelled all over- Japan, Korea, the US , Thailand, Europe. She's on Facebook in English and Chinese... not on "QQ".

I mean, she has the life, and we have the connections that I wish that Lisa and I had. It's ... just a little easier. I've also become friends with one of her old high school friends Rene, who lives a little further down south in Taichung, Taiwan.

Ann has quit her job at my school and is going, with Rene to the US for 3 weeks for a wedding. Not just "the US" but she's going to New York City! - what "a sign"! what a beautiful thing! .. though Ann has been before, Rene has never been to New York. I'm looking forward to seeing their FACEBOOK pictures online. (:

Lisa is not a fool, but neither am I. It's one of those things that, for the sake of my sanity, I have to put on the shelf and just let it sit there for now. I'm going to continue learning Chinese and .... eventually maybe we will have the "why/what happened"conversation- with WORDS. Without fear of being watched online by the censors in China.

In between, maybe there will be other people, other things .... but I'm not going to burn the bridge, play the crazy woman. I wouldn't judge her or misunderstand her for finding someone. I just don't know how it went downhill so fast ....I have several possible ideas/reasons... but really, none of that matters. Remaining "friends" in that, "Oh... it's been so long, how are you?" type way is the best "solution" for now. Leaving open the possibility to reconnect when the language barriers are down and hopefully our guard is down.

But I hope she knows that I know that not all white/asian/black people are the same. I hope she knows that she's not easy to replace....










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