Wednesday, September 26, 2012

A 360 degree shift.

Hey, remember 2 minutes ago - one blog post ago- when I was having that conversation with my left brain about wanting to be with Lisa again?

Well, everything couldn't be more different now.

Actually right around September 11th, 2012 unfortunately, everything came crashing down.

Fighting with someone that you care about is never good, but you know, it's especially not good on meaningful, significant days. Looking back at this year 2011-2012, Lisa and I fought on Christmas, on my birthday, and now on September 11th. So,  in this case, 3rd times  not really "the charm" but more the "wake up call"... and I'm just done with it.

I'm done with
#1. - being the one to reach out to her and to share my life without any sharing/reply from her.
#2. - using "negative attention" to GET her attention - knowing that this is the only way she responds.
#3. - believing that she held on to the idea of maintaining a friendship between us as long as I did.

Like any theater lover/thespian/singer, my comparisons to Lisa here get me to thinking of "The Sound Of Music". You know- the scene where they're all hanging out on the mountain having a picnic dressed in their green and white outfits made from the bedroom drapes. At one point Maria says
Maria: Why do you children play such awful tricks on people?
Brigitta: Well, how else can we get father's attention?...
The kids knew that to get their father's attention, they had to do things they wouldn't normally do.

I also learned that I had to do this with Lisa.... not to "play tricks" but to call her out on things that I "found out". I had to do this in order to get her to RESPOND to my simple "HEY... What's up?... what's been going on?"... to say things, to show her things that she had online...that I knew about, that she was keeping from me. Then maybe 4 hours to a day later she would instantly come to her OWN defense and reply with excuses for herself.

Regarding- her pengyou webiste/friend page- even though it was old, she had pictures there and status updates, but as soon as she knew that I could see it, she blocked me from it. Like her *NEW QQ page* - she told me that it "had a virus" .... but then later on when we were fighting, she admitted that it didn't.

She lies. and she's lied in the past too.... I never brought it up because I didn't think it was a big deal at the time, but when Claire and Mike and Lisa and I went out to this dance club in Foshan and we ran into these two guy friends of hers.... she told Claire and Mike not to tell them that she worked at Best Learning... to pretend that we were not all co-workers. I'm not sure who we were *supposed to be* ... but for that night, I was a stranger to her. She has two cell phones, two QQ accounts... I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's "nothing new"... the language barrier is really the least of the issues here.

So, as a bit of payback- I lied. I * told a story* online about a prostitution ring going on at the Guangzhou Land Rover Car Dealership. I mentioned how one of my friends on QQ, a Starbucks barista from that Starbucks that I used to go to al the time in Foshan, who recently moved back to Guangzhou to be with her family, had seen a salesgirl coming out of the Dalongtaosha Hotel in Guangzhou, in her Land Rover skirt and blouse with several different men- different looks and ages, on several different occasions.... I speculated/wondered/hinted that it might be Lisa.

Then, maybe a day later, thinking about how hurt I was by..... everything that she had/hadn't done... I went to her new QQ account - that I could partially access from my phone but not from my computer- and took a picture of one of her pictures and posted it on my QQ page calling her a liar and a prostitute. I know it's an awful thing to say BUT I DID NOT do this as my FIRST CHOICE in COMMUNICATION options here. I HAD left messages and said "I miss you.... I would love to see some pictures.... etc. etc." MANY TIMES. This time, I wanted a REAL conversation with her. I wanted her to finally respond and I KNEW that this was the ONLY WAY that she would respond to me.

and she did.

and ... my QQ profile is public.... so anyone could see what I wrote. I'm pretty sure that's what got her the most. I knew it would. We had a pretty big back and forth argument. Leaving messages, not a "live" chat kind of argument. Then, Metis jumped in the conversation and took my side, then Helen jumped in and took Lisa's side- which isn't fair because of the two of us, Helen is already connected to Lisa's new QQ account- so her opinion was pointless .... AND she wrote "to me" in Chinese, when she can/has write/written to me in English. So clearly the "message" was meant for the "greater public".... and she looked foolish.

but I backed up my proof that Lisa's a liar .... talking about how she mentioned the "Dalongtaosha Hotel, One Night, Comfortable" in one of her QQ status updates. - why stay there when you LIVE in Guangzhou.... ? I mentioned about the dance club and lying about who Mike and Claire and I were to her two "other male friends"....  so actually, a present-day prostitution story looks pretty possible.

All I wanted was clarity. A final "yes/no". It didn't have to come to this....

But now, I'm just glad that it's over. It's a weight off me, and it's really refreshing to know who my REAL connections/friends are in China. I love Metis and Bella and Jenny's family. I love Hannah's mom "Carmen". We don't talk everyday.... sometimes we don't even send QQ messages once per week. Maybe every two weeks or so, or just a comment on a picture. But I know that they are there for me. I know that they are open to conversation and comments and sharing pictures. Of course, they don't share EVERYTHING on QQ but they also don't go out of their way to hide things .... and I don't think that's too much to ask.

Honesty.... whatever "the truth" is, it is worth soooooo much more to me than a "nice story full of lies all tied up with a pretty little bow on it". Tell me that you can't be friends since I've left or that you don't want to be, give me your reason and... that's enough for me. But ignoring it and lying? Not cool. I will dig for the truth and I will get to it one way or another.

I'm not the kind of person who will go and delete all of my pictures of me and her. I'll keep them in their albums on Facebook. It was a good time... at the time. A mixture of happy memories and confusing memories and some frustrating memories. I'm not just going to wipe the slate clean and pretend that she didn't exist. We can learn things from every relationship and grow and I think ironically, maybe because of the initial language barrier..... this was the most direct and first real time for me, taking the initiative with this relationship. I know there were definitely strong feelings on both sides..... and I know that she was sad when I left.... but I can't pretend that she didn't hide things from me. At the end of the day, I just can't forget that. I want access to your world. Even if you are doing things out of desperation, out of need for quick money. I really won't judge you.... I'll be concerned and sad... and I'll probably want to help you out of the situation...but honestly .... if you just give me your HONESTY I could never/will never be mad at you. It's... your truth, it is what it is.

So despite, the "good times" and the "caring" at the end of the day, the lies... just destroyed it for me.

I am happy here in Taipei... in Taiwan. I'm completely free now and I'm open to dating. LGBT Pride month is celebrated in October here... so it's right around the corner. I'm taking my time just getting adjusted and settled. It's easier in general to communicate here #1 because most of the friends I've made here- both Taiwanese and ex-pats speak English and #2 also because MY Chinese speaking skills have gotten a lot better and I can communicate with shop owners/people when I need things. I'm also just starting to be able to READ a little bit of the characters... on the subways and writing on the sides of taxis.  So that comes in handy too.

CONFESSION: speaking of taxis. Last week I took a taxi home, well, actually I took it to the  "Dingxi Jie Yun Zhan zai Yonghe" ... - to the Dingxi subway station in Yonghe - which is about a 5 minute walk to my apartment. EVERY DAY/NIGHT after work.

because..... I was worried about my child tearing up my apartment.  I am either a one stop subway ride or a 10 minute bus and 5 stop subway ride from home, depending on which school I am teaching at- either RV or Banciao.  But still, that just wasn't close enough, not quick enough, for this "worried new mother".

and when I say "my child" ....
I'm really talking about "Mink" the cat that I'm fostering from Animals Taiwan. She's a cute little, very soft, black cat with two little kind of "bald spots" running down from her ears. She was born in April 2008- so she's 4 yrs old, she's definitely still very much like a kitten she's playful and a little crazy.... I think she sees "ghosts" because she's always running from "invisible" things. She loves heights/climbing the walls, eating, climbing in the drawers, waking up early- at 7am looking for food!, and she LOVES sleeping/lounging on PEOPLE. She's a TOTAL lap cat.
Going into my second week here.... I've started taking the MRT - subway- and buses again. She's adjusted, she's FINE.

 I'm pretty sure this apartment is HER apartment as far as she's concerned.  I didn't want to ADOPT because.... although I say "two years" and *other people, specifically my friend Carrie* have said that they think that I will be here.... longer -ME: "don't tell my parents that!"- I'm not sure how long I'm staying in Taiwan ..... and"pet immigration" can be expensive from what I've heard.

So I'm currently fostering Mink and I will update the blog here with information on her for anyone who might be interested, or knows someone who is interested in adopting a cat. I'll go more into detail on her, regarding her one or two "bad" habits as well as her likes/dislikes/needs ... as time goes on.

That's all for now. Things are clear and good. Taiwan is turning out to be the right decision....for many reasons including the fact that I'm going to a concert tomorrow night. My FIRST concert in Taiwan- first in Asia period. That British rocker Noel Gallagher - from the 90's band "Oasis" is playing here. He's got a new album out.

Here are some pictures of Mink and a link to my favorite new song of Noel's titled "If I Had A Gun". Enjoy.

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