Sunday, September 9, 2012

A Conversation With My Left Brain

**A Conversation Between Me and My Left Brain: Trying To Come To Terms With The Inability To Remain Friends With An Ex**

Left Brain aka the Rational/Sensible One:  Look at your past to understand your present.

Me:  Okkk... um yeah I know, I'm not friends with any of my other ex's. I've always wanted it, but it's never worked out.

Left Brain aka the Sensible One: Why did you think it would be different now?

Me: because to the rest of our world, to our co-workers we were "friends" ....

Left Brain: but to the two of you, you were not. You knew what you were. Then you left...

Me: ::interrupts"" Oh yes, please continue to remind me as often as you want. I really don't hear it enough.

Left Brain:  What I'm saying is, you want a friendship with someone who never wanted to be your friend.

Me: - ::absentmindedly, half listening to left brain:: I wonder how it works for people who are friends with their ex's and are in relationships with other people. Does that really work? I see it happen sometimes.... *trying to think of examples* especially in the lesbian community- well the American lesbian community anyway.

Left Brain: Why wonder? That's not the situation here.

Me: Can't I just wonder??!.... maybe it would be the situation in some future... although no one wants an ex, no one wants to be an "ex" .... *trails off*

Left Brain:  Well look, Metis and her BF broke up when he decided to move for work. Your brother and his ex broke up when he decided not to stay in Massachusetts. Distance isn't easy. Especially for relationships with so many challenges - like language- to begin with.

Me:  Oh right, nice subtle way of not saying "being gay"in China. Age, Sexuality, Distance, Language. It is a lot of things. I don't think at this point I'm expecting to be in a relationship with her ... but I still thought I could be in her world.

Left Brain: Why would she want that?

Me: ::sarcastically:: ..............because I'm an AWESOME, AMAZING PERSON.

Left Brain: :: calmly:: then it would hurt her even more knowing that you left to go to Taiwan. She must not be that awesome. She must not be that amazing.

Me: I thought she would understand that "foreigners" want to see a lot of Asia ....

Left Brain: ::sarcastically:: Ohhhh and I bet she's been thinking you've been seeing A LOT of "Asia" ..... trails off.

Me:  Well, I haven't. I've been sending her messages - that go unanswered- and trying to get a sense of where she is by talking to mutual friends.

Left Brain:  : ::sarcastic:: inferring that she might be a prostitute at Land Rover in Guangzhou up on QQ was a classy move. That's what real friends do.

Me: Actually.... that's when I realized that it's gone... the connection. My real friends were wondering what happened. They believed me and I couldn't stand to see that. To continue that lie just because I was angry with her and her secrets. I know who my friends are and I know that we just.... can't be friends. I've gotta look at it like any past relationship. The difference is, in the past, it was me who wanted to end it .... now it's the other person. I thought she would just "wait".... but it's done and it's beyond my control.

Left Brain: and you are fine and you will be fine. She brought you to the point where you needed to be to understand several types of challenges to relationships all at once.

Me: ::again half-listening to left brain::  I wish I did more for her ... maybe it's the guilt that makes it hard to let go.

Left Brain:  You loved her. That's all that you had to do.

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